an acrostic golden shovel.
Originally published by Star Trek Quarterly, September 2021, p. 19
Pea Flower Tomioka
My Ex-husband was a Star Wars Fan
an acrostic golden shovel
So it always comes back that the first time I told you I needed some space.
The way you ignored your promises again, hiding traps in the
Anger at being caught in a tangled ball of gaslights, and my final
Revenge would have to be a life well lived. I moved into a frontier
That terrified me, because I'd unlearned who I was through these
Reversals, where you'd scream at me for forgetting where the car keys are,
Enough venom in your throat to sting me just in how you say my name, the
Killing blow still to come. And I'm spinning again, dreaming of the voyages
I never took with that man that should have been you- how I'd feel free, instead of
Swallowed whole and drowning under the flood of your distain. All of the
Stupid shit you pulled, but my place is to stand aside and let your starship
Thruster blast off into a new pipe-dream enterprise.
It's called word salad, that thing you do when you spin the blame around dizzy. It's
Love, you say, but I took a psychology class five
Long years ago, and I know the names for how the winter of this year
Become sour. It's manipulation. It's projection. It's mission
Equivalency- wait, that's not what I mean. You overwhelm to
Twist me up so I can't remember what you did to me. I seek
These moments alone in my head. I need to clear out
Every cobweb until I can focus. I need a new
Routine for staying sober when you tipsy up my life.
This shit makes me forget why I was mad in the first place, and
Heaven knows it was because you had to stick your dick in new
Avenues to abuse. I think when you do this you destroy civilizations
Never built, if for the lies you sink into my skin. I don't know how to
Speak boldly
Taught instead to follow wherever the threads of your abuse go
Always unsure until your violence feels like safety, or where
Riding in your car means I'll never drive alone. No
Wait, I know it's not healthy to love this man
Again, and I know he has
Rights to be wrong, but this was never gonna work anyway. I will be gone
Silent to slip away from this star war, because I deserve a utopian Trek future more than ever before
Tomioka, Pea Flower. "My Ex-husband was a Star Wars Fan" Star Trek Quarterly, p. 19, September 2021.
https://startrekquarterly.wordpress.com/2021/09/27/fall-2021/
*Note about formatting:
An acrostic is a poem in which the first letter of each line spells something downward. A golden shovel is a poem in which the last word of each line spells something downward. This piece is formatted differently to attempt to capture this format in its purity, but please note that if it does not present as such on your screen, the acrostic reads "Star Trek is still better than Star Wars", and the golden shovel reads "Space. The final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship, Enterprise- its five-year mission, to seek out new life and new civilizations. To boldly go where no man has gone before."
